Ok. So I am 30 now. I have officially joined the adult club this August, so I am actually a bit late with this post. But that suits the post, because I seem to be late with everything. I thought most people had their life together when they reached 30. This post shows my more vulnerable side, please keep that in mind when you read it. I am not always strong and confident.
So I always had 30 as a milestone in my head, I told myself that if I didn´t have things together at 30 I would become a nun. Well guess what, I don´t have things together but becoming a nun doesn´t seem like a solution to it either.
I feel like I am stuck in a perpetual state of college life, I still live in a studio, I have friends but no children and no steady relationship. My life is resembling Bridget Jones diary more and more, but somehow I doubt I will end up marrying a millionaire when I am 35.
Really, how do other people do it? Most people I know are starting to have kids, building families, have been in relationships for years. They have careers, a good education, a loving family that supports them.
I have just started what I hope will be a career I can be successful in, but only next month will my first year of it be done. I have no clue how I am supposed to date anyone, when I was younger it seems like I just stumbled into a relationship wherever I went but now I don´t even know how to talk to someone I might fancy. It seems that with the years I have become less confident in love, not more confident and certainly not more stable.
I seem to have a more steady social life on the surface, but I always wonder how long it will last. The only friendship I ever had that lasted longer than five years ended this year. I can´t help but wonder what my social circle will look like in another five years.
I have been in therapy for the past 12 years, yet sometimes I feel like I am not getting anywhere. All the things therapy is supposed to do, I have not yet done. I am told I am mentally stable, and I guess I am because I am rarely depressed or anything despite the difficulties being chronically ill throws me. But that is only what happens in my head. I can have all the confidence in the world but if the results don´t show in my life, what is the point?
I know many of you who read this consider me a strong person, and I guess I am because I have not let my illness bring me down and I have battled through three extremely tough years without relying much on an anyone. But it has taken it´s toll, because I am now a 30 year old without proper education stuck between college kids without a solid family unit. And that sometimes brings me down because I don´t know what to do about it.
Being strong can be lonely you know. I face a battle every day with my body, which takes a lot of energy off what I want to achieve in life. Most of the time I am busy trying to get comfortable and not be in pain or tired, not busy working on a future. I don´t even know how to get to that future with all the things that are holding me back, and without a support network things are always so much more difficult. I feel like I always have to get everything done on my own, and sometimes that is really tiring.
I am grateful for the friends I made this year, I do love you guys, and I am grateful that through my aunt and uncle I am getting some of my family back. But at the end of the day, I am always doing things by myself.
If you got your life together at 30, can you please tell me how you did it?